Weight Loss and Positive Body Image: Not a Contradiction

As some of you already know about me- and for the few who don't know this about me- I lost a lot of weight a couple of years ago. More relevant, though, was that I had a very active weight loss tumblr where I talked about my weight loss and fitness endeavors and helped people understand how to healthily lose weight. While my primary focus in blogging has shifted from weight loss to fashion and positive body image, I won't ever delete that blog or cease helping people learn how to lose weight or get into fitness. 

My before/after picture that is circulating the internet.

When I first started up my weight loss tumblr, it was because I wanted to share my knowledge and give back to the community. I also feel very validated in helping people feel good about themselves, so naturally, the blog was a good way to accomplish feeling like a helpful human being. It was probably less than half a year ago, though, when I realized the weight loss and fitness community could be a really negative and hurtful thing. I noticed people putting down their bodies as means of motivation, or beating themselves up for "slipping up" and living a little. And to be honest, those posts influenced me negatively too, and indirectly made me see myself a little differently. I tried to offset the negativity by posting more body-positive things mixed in with my normal weight loss and fitness posts. I tried to keep the tone of my posts very positive and enthusiastic, and never, ever posted anything that could make someone feel guilty for being any body size or shape. Still, despite my attempts, I could feel myself distancing myself from that niche because I knew I had a very unique perspective on weight loss and body image that made me an alien to both genres of blogging.

How can I believe the old adage of "all bodies are good bodies" while still being an advocate of healthy weight loss? Why, don't those two concepts contradict one another? The short answer is no, but the longer one is this: I believe one's size or shape isn't subjective to beauty, nor do they define your self-worth or identity. When I look at someone, I'm going to see them as a human being, not a society-induced label of fat first, person second. One of the most terrible things people would tell me when complimenting my weight loss progress was to tell me how beautiful I am now, implying or even sometimes outright saying that I was vile before. So what happens if I gain weight; do I become ugly again? I completely loathe the concept that my beauty and my self-worth should hinge on something as fickle and changeable as my weight. I'm the same person I was before, and truly, when I look in the mirror, I see the same face looking back at me. I am not a number or my size; I am a person.

I don't believe you need to be any size in order to be beautiful, but losing weight isn't always about vanity pounds and appealing to society norms. I think that beauty and health are unrelated concepts. I don't feel compelled to maintain my weight to be conventionally attractive, and I laugh when strangers assume I lost weight to be more popular with the boys (truth: I don't much like dating). I, however, do feel compelled to be concerned about my health, and I wasn't healthy before. Does weight define health? Absolutely not! I know many people who are technically overweight that lead healthier lifestyles than I do even now, and I know many naturally small people who are completely sedentary and eat almost exclusively fast food. I think it's your own call to decide what is healthy for you. Personally, I can feel the difference between different weights on me, and I feel like my current weight (128-136; and notice the fluctuation room!) is the most comfortable for my 5'2 frame. My body runs better, I sleep better, I have more energy, and I move easier. I also had a lot of health problems when I was larger, as well as multiple health problems made worse by excess weight and lifestyle that run in my family. This was a decision to make my life healthier, not necessarily to become more conventionally attractive.

A couple of days ago, I was talking to a childhood best friend with whom I haven't spoken in ages, explaining the Star in a Bra competition to her. Excitedly, I ask her if she had voted yet, to which she responded with, "Uh, no." Dejected, I hung my head and didn't respond. She then added, "Why are you even entering?" I explained about the body image mission I've been on, and was told, "Body love? How can you say that when you had to lose weight to love yourself?" I was crushed by her response, but it got me thinking. The truth is, at the time I started my weight loss journey, while I was primarily motivated by my health, I hated my body. I was disgusted by it, and it made me depressed. Even during my journey, while I was pleased with my progress, I still felt unhappy with the image of my body. It wasn't until I had reached my goal weight and realized I still wasn't happy with my weight that I had the body revelation that got me where I am today. I wasn't happy because I was chasing perfection, and while I'm still not completely content, I live a little easier with my recent weight gain because I know it's okay to not be perfect. I look back at my older pictures and no longer feel disgust, because I still see myself in them. It's sad that it took losing weight to see the beauty if myself at all sizes, but I don't think it was directly because of my weight loss. It wasn't my body that needed to change, after all, but my perspective, and perspective is usually gained through experience. I don't regret my journey because it's shaped who I am today.

While I won't have as big of a presence in the weight loss community, I will still be there to help promote healthy weight loss as well as body image. I strive to be there for all of the girls who are mentally and emotionally where I was two years ago, and to help them have the journey and revelation I had myself. All bodies are beautiful, but sometimes, it takes a little perspective to see the beauty in yourself.

Ten Reasons Why I Feel Like I've Already Won

It's been nearly a week since I was fortunate enough to have my name and pictures announced as a Top 30 semi-finalist in the US Star in a Bra competition, and truthfully, this last week has been an insightful and grand experience on its own. Between pestering every person I know to vote for me, and awkwardly, shyly asking co-workers and facebook friends to look at me in my underwear and vote, I've learned a lot about myself and how the world perceives beauty. Even if I don't make it to the final 10, I think I feel like I've won and gained a little something out of it! Here are ten reasons or thoughts on my experiences so far!

1. I've Battled My Social Anxiety, and I'm Winning!

I might seem bubbly and exuberant in my youtube videos, but truthfully, I am fairly introverted and shy in person. I probably spent a total of five hours just trying to make those videos, and those two were all I had to show for it! I get nervous meeting new people, and I struggle to be myself around almost everyone but my closest friends. I'm awkward, I stumble over my words, and I tend to trip over things often!  I'm also fairly modest and self-conscious of putting myself out there, and always have this fear of seeming to be too presumptuous and self-righteous, so going up to people and trying to find a tactful way to say, "Hey, go to facebook and vote for me to become a lingerie model," was very difficult. There were many times where I had to sit for a minute, calming myself, clearing my mind, taking a deep breath, before I had the courage to walk up to a co-worker and ask them about the competition. I even missed a few opportunities to ask some people because I was too anxious! But each time I did it, the better I got, until now I'm feeling much, much better. Now I feel fierce and confident, and so I feel like I've gained just the ability to be myself without fear of judgement. 

2. Nobody Understands Bra Sizes!

I mean, that's a given, right? With celebrities like Christina Hendricks claiming she's a 38DD and Jennifer Love Hewitt a 36C, it's clear our country really has no concept of back and cup sizes, and what is a proper fit. I knew that going into this competition, and it made me doubly more excited to enter, because it would give me a better chance to help educate people on boobs and bras. What I didn't expect was all of the backlash I received, even from my fellow friends and family, insisting I wasn't a D+ bra size! After my weight loss, I'm probably the most insecure about my breasts (I mean, hello, I had some giant knockers when I was bigger, and I was proud of them!), and so hearing women tell me how small I am is always upsetting, even when I know it's untrue. But those sorts of comments have only firmly planted the belief that, if I were to win, I could help people better understand that your cup size is not indicative of your actual breast size, and that well-fitting bras actually make your breasts look smaller since the poor things aren't smashed together, oozing out of the cups. Yes, the comments are hurtful, but I've realized they aren't (usually) personal, and instead represent the bra and boob ignorance most of our country has. Winning could help me change that! What better opportunity, right?

3. Curvy Isn't a Body Size!

Another fear about entering would be the inevitable "you aren't curvy enough!" comments I'd receive by being shorter and smaller, and while I haven't had any of those comments directly aimed at me (yet), I've seen a couple of comments and blogs say things about how "non-curvy" most of the women chosen for the Top 30 were. I feel like so many women have claimed curvy to describe body size that we've forgotten that curvy means literally what it sounds like: curves. From dictionary.com, the definition reads, "A continuously bending line, without angles." Look at most women, from the overweight, to the girl next door, to even Victoria's Secret models, and you're going to see continuously bending lines without angles. Some lines are bigger, some are smaller; some swoop out a lot more, and some are the same proportions just on a larger scale. Bigger curvy, larger curvy; does body size really matter? What women need to realize is that we're all different, and all have different body types. Curvy Kate is a celebration of the variety of sizes and natural curves, with a message that says all of us are beautiful and nobody can tell us otherwise. I think if I won this competition, I'd love to stress the importance of being more accepting of bodies- not just your own, but of other women's! It's counterproductive to participate in this positive body image competition celebrating natural beauty when you are still trying to tell other women how their bodies should be.

4. So Many Awesome People!

One of the other major reasons this competition has been great for me was the connection I've had with all of these women. I really enjoy the friendly, supportive atmosphere of all the other contestants, as well as the previous contestants and winners from the UK version! It's like this secret, mutual understanding we have with each other, because we all know we've all struggled with the same things, and while we all want to win, we all still think the best of the other girls. Personally, if I don't win, I still think the winner will be an amazing, beautiful choice, and I will support her sincerely! I don't feel entitled to win, and honestly, I don't think I deserve to win any more or less than the other girls. What we've done takes a lot of guts and courage, and every girl deserves a self-esteem boost and a chance to make a positive impact, right?

5. Bras, Bras, Bras.

They forgot to mention in the fine print of the contest: "This contest will make you feel more attractive and confident in your underwear, and as a result, you may feel the urge to spend a copious amount of money on pretty, well-fitting bras." Oops. Um, sorry, bank account!

6. I Have the Strength to Tell People They're Wrong!

Participating in this competition has really taught me to be stronger and have thicker skin. There have been some nasty things directed at me or others, and I've gained the ability to politely make my statement without ruffling feathers. I'm easily enraged at insensitive comments and nastiness, so this is really a good thing! I'm also learning to take all of the nasty things said with a grain of salt. As I said to a lovely woman on facebook yesterday, if I make it to the top 10, whatever awful things people have to say about me will be irrelevant because it took hundreds of people to get me that far, as opposed to the mere handful of nasty comments said about me. There are way more positive things than negative things! Just gotta keep reminding myself of that and carry on with myself.

7. Beauty Is Arbitrary.

Looking up at all the women chosen, I'm flabbergasted at how beautiful and yet different we all are. We come in a variety of body shapes and sizes, breast sizes, back sizes, ethnic backgrounds, hair colors, etc. You cannot define beauty! None of us fit into the long list of criteria of what being conventionally beautiful or sexy usually is, but that's what makes it so awesome- NOBODY can meet that list, because nobody is perfect! I like that we're all up there with our self-taken, non-digitally altered pictures, complete with our stretch marks, lower belly flab, dark eye circles, and everything, because those "flaws" are what makes us human. Winning this contest for me would be about proving to the world that it's okay to have flaws, and that we're beautiful no matter what! I want to start a body image revolution, guys; I want to redefine beautiful!

8. People Are Listening to Me!

This is the best part! Being so shy and insecure about my own body scruples, I've been holding myself back from having a larger voice. Participating has given me both the strength be confident and firm, as well as an audience of people eager for my words. I feel like this is my chance to really make a positive impact in this world! All of my life, I've sought opportunities to make other people feel better, to help them out in any way, because it makes my life feel more validated in return. This is my reason for living. Even if I don't win, I've already won because I'm on that path to making a positive difference in this world.

9. Boobs Are Not Inherently Sexual!

This has been the hardest thing for me. We live in a society where girls with larger breasts are considered inherently slutty simply because they have larger breasts, and where a picture of a girl in her underwear for a modeling contest is a plea for an attention and a desperate need of male validation. One friend, when asked to vote, said, "Oh my god, you're in your underwear! I can't look at this! I have a lady!" I was distraught, because that is not what this is about! But it's surprising how many people truly believe this contest is sexual in nature. I've gained the ability to stand up to people and say, "Boobs aren't sexual because you want them to be. I live with these everyday of my life, and they're a part of who I am." If I want them to be sexual, they will be, and even if they are, is there something so wrong with that? Let's celebrate being confident about our bodies and not be afraid to be judged simply because we possess breasts!

10. I Have Such Good Friends.

This has been the most emotionally moving thing about this contest for me! I never realized how many people care about and want to support me. The support from my friends, family, co-workers, and even fellow WoW players, has been astounding! They all understand why I want this, and are working their butts off to help their friends and family to vote as well. If I win this thing, it will be because I have a life filled with wonderful, amazing people. I am so grateful to know how many people care. And really, isn't that one of the best reasons to feel like I've already won?

Don't Change Your Body; Change the Way You Think

It's no secret that I still struggle with my own body image. The past few months have been brutal on my self-esteem, as I struggled with learning to accept my body at this healthy weight instead of wanting more.  But after spending so long looking at each of my body parts as things in need of improvement, I found it hard to switch off that "fix it all; be PERFECT!" button in my head. If you asked me to make a list of the things I currently dislike about my body, you would be surprised to hear me mention everything from my ankles, to my large rib cage, to my facial bone structure- and all the bumps and flaws in between. When I look at myself in the mirror, or in most pictures, those glaring flaws stick out like a sore thumb and they overwhelm anything I do like about myself. But if I were to mention these things to others, most likely, they wouldn't exist to them, or they wouldn't be seen as a flaw. To them, these flaws are what make me me. Human.  Real.

Why is it that we can look at other women and recognize their beauty, but all we can see in ourselves is the bad? Why is it not utterly hypocritical of me to sincerely say "she is beautiful!" to any woman of any size, but to look into the mirror and feel dejected because I can't fit my mind's-eye of perfection? When I hear girls putting themselves down, I try to let them know all of the ways in which they are wonderful because it depresses me for them to not recognize their own beauty; yet, I cannot do the same for myself. And when I see women posting pictures of their weight loss progress, I congratulate them on setting a goal and reaching it, but am always the one to let them know that they're beautiful at both sizes, lest they base their self-worth on something as fickle as body size. Yet when I look at my own pictures, I'm overcome by shame and embarrassment. We hold these standards to ourselves, but not for anybody else. Why?

We, as a society, have all become driven on this quest for perfection. Sweet, elusive, impossible perfection. When did we become so obsessed with these unrealistic, unachievable ideals? Obviously, the media plays the biggest role in how we see ourselves. When we herald celebrities for their beauty, putting them high on pedestals, and then editing out any sort of flaws or blemishes that make them human- such as cellulite, stretch marks, uneven skin tone- is it any wonder that we look at ourselves, feeling dejected because we fall short? As Cindy Crawford said, "Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford." Not even the celebrities whose "perfect" bodies we so covet are real. We're aspiring to be something nobody can be. 

The reason why I was never truly happy after my weight loss was because I never loved myself before or during the process, and I somehow thought changing myself, undergoing that transformation, would magically solve everything I used to find wrong with my body. I realize now that there wasn't necessarily even anything wrong with my body initially; instead, it was my mind, my perspective, my warped sense of self-worth that needed to be transformed. Changing your body does you no good when your perspective is so poisonous. If you find faults with who you are now, you will find faults with yourself at any size. If you want to lose weight, do it because you want to make a healthier lifestyle change, not because there is something wrong with your body. Learn to love your body at any size or weight; not because or despite your size, but because it's you and that's why it's beautiful. It's your only vessel in life, and you should learn to appreciate it because it's the only you that exists!

*I don't take credit for the pictures used here; all are from Tumblr!