As some of you already know about me- and for the few who don't know this about me- I lost a lot of weight a couple of years ago. More relevant, though, was that I had a very active weight loss tumblr where I talked about my weight loss and fitness endeavors and helped people understand how to healthily lose weight. While my primary focus in blogging has shifted from weight loss to fashion and positive body image, I won't ever delete that blog or cease helping people learn how to lose weight or get into fitness.
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| My before/after picture that is circulating the internet. |
When I first started up my weight loss tumblr, it was because I wanted to share my knowledge and give back to the community. I also feel very validated in helping people feel good about themselves, so naturally, the blog was a good way to accomplish feeling like a helpful human being. It was probably less than half a year ago, though, when I realized the weight loss and fitness community could be a really negative and hurtful thing. I noticed people putting down their bodies as means of motivation, or beating themselves up for "slipping up" and living a little. And to be honest, those posts influenced me negatively too, and indirectly made me see myself a little differently. I tried to offset the negativity by posting more body-positive things mixed in with my normal weight loss and fitness posts. I tried to keep the tone of my posts very positive and enthusiastic, and never, ever posted anything that could make someone feel guilty for being any body size or shape. Still, despite my attempts, I could feel myself distancing myself from that niche because I knew I had a very unique perspective on weight loss and body image that made me an alien to both genres of blogging.
How can I believe the old adage of "all bodies are good bodies" while still being an advocate of healthy weight loss? Why, don't those two concepts contradict one another? The short answer is no, but the longer one is this: I believe one's size or shape isn't subjective to beauty, nor do they define your self-worth or identity. When I look at someone, I'm going to see them as a human being, not a society-induced label of fat first, person second. One of the most terrible things people would tell me when complimenting my weight loss progress was to tell me how beautiful I am now, implying or even sometimes outright saying that I was vile before. So what happens if I gain weight; do I become ugly again? I completely loathe the concept that my beauty and my self-worth should hinge on something as fickle and changeable as my weight. I'm the same person I was before, and truly, when I look in the mirror, I see the same face looking back at me. I am not a number or my size; I am a person.
I don't believe you need to be any size in order to be beautiful, but losing weight isn't always about vanity pounds and appealing to society norms. I think that beauty and health are unrelated concepts. I don't feel compelled to maintain my weight to be conventionally attractive, and I laugh when strangers assume I lost weight to be more popular with the boys (truth: I don't much like dating). I, however, do feel compelled to be concerned about my health, and I wasn't healthy before. Does weight define health? Absolutely not! I know many people who are technically overweight that lead healthier lifestyles than I do even now, and I know many naturally small people who are completely sedentary and eat almost exclusively fast food. I think it's your own call to decide what is healthy for you. Personally, I can feel the difference between different weights on me, and I feel like my current weight (128-136; and notice the fluctuation room!) is the most comfortable for my 5'2 frame. My body runs better, I sleep better, I have more energy, and I move easier. I also had a lot of health problems when I was larger, as well as multiple health problems made worse by excess weight and lifestyle that run in my family. This was a decision to make my life healthier, not necessarily to become more conventionally attractive.
A couple of days ago, I was talking to a childhood best friend with whom I haven't spoken in ages, explaining the Star in a Bra competition to her. Excitedly, I ask her if she had voted yet, to which she responded with, "Uh, no." Dejected, I hung my head and didn't respond. She then added, "Why are you even entering?" I explained about the body image mission I've been on, and was told, "Body love? How can you say that when you had to lose weight to love yourself?" I was crushed by her response, but it got me thinking. The truth is, at the time I started my weight loss journey, while I was primarily motivated by my health, I hated my body. I was disgusted by it, and it made me depressed. Even during my journey, while I was pleased with my progress, I still felt unhappy with the image of my body. It wasn't until I had reached my goal weight and realized I still wasn't happy with my weight that I had the body revelation that got me where I am today. I wasn't happy because I was chasing perfection, and while I'm still not completely content, I live a little easier with my recent weight gain because I know it's okay to not be perfect. I look back at my older pictures and no longer feel disgust, because I still see myself in them. It's sad that it took losing weight to see the beauty if myself at all sizes, but I don't think it was directly because of my weight loss. It wasn't my body that needed to change, after all, but my perspective, and perspective is usually gained through experience. I don't regret my journey because it's shaped who I am today.
While I won't have as big of a presence in the weight loss community, I will still be there to help promote healthy weight loss as well as body image. I strive to be there for all of the girls who are mentally and emotionally where I was two years ago, and to help them have the journey and revelation I had myself. All bodies are beautiful, but sometimes, it takes a little perspective to see the beauty in yourself.
30 comments:
You have been inspiring for me Criss. I only found your tumblr a couple weeks ago and made me realize if I worked hard I could end up with a healthier body. I'm so glad I subscribed to your Facebook page or I wouldn't have seen this post. I currently weight 240lbs. If you don't mind on your Facebook I'll post progress pictures.
Thank you! You know I'll be here to support you. :)
You inspired me! I think your attitude and outlook on being healthy is refreshing and logical :-) I found your blog and tumblr via Fuller Figure Fuller Bust/Georgina. I've been striving to be healthier the last several months, and after going to the doctor last month I decided it was time to really get serious. I was thinking about Weight Watcher when I read your post and found Livestrong. It's been the best thing that I've found in ages! Altho I just started a few weeks ago, I've already lost 7 lbs and 2 inches from my waist. I'd really like to get my body healthy so I can run comfortably and not hurt.
Thank you again for being brave and putting yourself out there to inspire others!
Keep it up!
amanda
Great words and you know I wish you well dealing with that whole body image thing. :)
Your post today reminded me that I want to send some links your way that I think you'll be interested in:
http://decodingdress.tumblr.com/post/7922685066/the-body-image-movement-body-sovereignty-you
http://fitandfeminist.wordpress.com/2011/07/19/is-losing-weight-anti-feminist/
http://www.the-beheld.com/2012/02/body-image-warrior-week-decoding-dress.html
It feels like so long ago..that I met Criss when we were playing a game called WoW(Yes..World of Warcraft..a game I've made some of my closest friends on). We'd never met in real life..nor really ever talked face to face but over the time I spoke with her and got to know her..I fell in love with this woman..she was so funny and so relatable..gamer chicks with sassy attitudes. She became one of my best friends and I loved all out chats, we eventually shared pics with one another to I'd say strengthen the bond between us by seeing who the one on the other side was and I found her beautiful( Since most all guys think girls that play games have to be socially unacceptable to society). But regardless...she has always been a beautiful person to me and reading this...only showed me that I've done the same thing to myself..I have gained weight ever since high school ended and have at times put myself down because of that...but you know..over the past few years...I've come to really love who I am and have been inspired to continue doing so..while also living a healthier lifestyle...Criss, I know everyone been sharing with you how much of an inspiration you've been to them..so of course I'm not being very original when I say you have really inspired me...to not be afraid of who I am or how I look..to enjoy life as well as live better for a longer future...I have so few people in my life that I can honestly say have impacted me so very much...so thank you and I hope we continue this friendship long into the future. I love you so much!~
First of all: Sorry for my English! I'm Brazilian.
I want you to know that you were that catalyst I needed for something to "click" in me. And funny fact: I found you through 9gag! Thankfully I tend to read comments on every site I visit - even 9gag, where they're usually stupid - and there was your comment about health and stuff in the middle of all the "wow, I'D BANG HER NOW"s. I instantly liked you and clicked to your site. I didn't know about the "fitblrs" until I saw yours.
For the first time I saw a story similar to mine. A woman at her 20's who lost the same amount of weight I want to lose, someone who had an ED in high school then gained back her weight (and was nerdy and all that stuff, hahaha)... It sounds kinda silly, but I really thought that it wasn't, uh, possible. I mean, the weight loss. I had this idea that I couldn't be thin without starving myself (urgh, feeling sick, dizzy and hungry all the time). I know it’s stupid. I just couldn’t see truth in the words of the nutritionists. I thought weight loss was about deprivation, that I had to suffer in some way… I don’t know, it’s crazy for me to even write it now. Then I read your story and I realized that losing weight was much simpler than I thought it was. You were the first REAL person I "knew" that achieved weight loss and maintained it. No photoshop, no pills or anything. It was possible!
I am now at 178lbs (I started with 200lbs at the end of January) and I'm still losing. I'm eating better and consciously, counting calories (I LOVED being in control of my eating habits, not eating just because someone told me to eat that way – and sometimes even eating a little badly, without feeling guilty because I’m still losing weight by the mathematics of this method), doing light exercise. Sometimes I get frustrated, sometimes I want to binge (and sometimes I binge! I'm human, after all), but I will lose the weight, sooner or later. And I won’t gain it back. Even if I do, i know there'll be a safe path to lose it again.
I'm working on my love-hate relationship with my body. You know, that whole "YOU CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT, YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOUR BODY" speech made me struggle with the decision to lose the weight. I felt like I was betraying the feminist in me or something by taking this decision... That's what I liked most about you. I discovered I could conciliate the two things. It's so much easier to do it thinking about health. I won't deny that finding clothes at my size counts, too, because I always felt like going to war when shopping... (It's SO stressful to find clothes being bigger! Sometimes I had to fight the urge to set the stores on fire...) But it's so good to treat your body better, to see the changes... I'm loving it! I have a lot of heart and knee problems in my family (I was already starting to feel pain in knees, which is gone by now) and I’m happy to prevent myself from them.
Oh, I'm rambling too much, sorry. I just want to thank you for being such a huge inspiration to me. Thank you so much!
Roberta L.
I think this has to be the hardest concept to come to terms with when it comes to weight-loss. Right now, I'm trying to lose the 15 lbs I've put on in the last year because of a change in lifestyle. On days when I fail at my goals, I tell myself I need to love who I am, but the next day, when I'm back on track, my mind immediately starts to tell myself that I'll be happier once I can fit back in the majority of the clothes in my closet. But what I've found that's work the best for me is trying to keep both thoughts out of my mind. Why does my weight always need to be my first thought? If I can keep myself busy and keep my weight-loss (or lack there of) off my mind, I'm so much happier. Why can't my body just be my tool to accomplish all my other goals, rather than wasting so much time and energy trying to change something that will always be changing?
Great post. It's so important that you keep writing about your experiences - you're so rational and your message is so positive! We need to stop thinking that the way we look is greater than the sum of our parts, and stop assuming that choosing fitness and healthy eating is only ever to look more like a Victoria's Secret model. You rock C x
This blog post is amazing, thank you for writing it. I can really relate to you in this way... Just over a year ago, I was over 300 lb. Today, I am 135 lb. When I was 200-300 lb, I hated myself. I hated how I looked, how people looked at me and how I felt. I had no love for myself in anyway and it was because all I could see was fat. But when I see (and saw) other people who were overweight, I didn't have those feelings for them. I didn't separate the weight from the person, they were just other people. So why did I treat myself and view myself so poorly?
So, I think you hit the nail on the head. I think the most important part of this journey is the process of learning how to take care of ourselves and love ourselves and the change of perspective. I also think that things have to become "real" to make that perspective change.
This is my blog, that talks about my journey: mommaonfire.blogspot.com. I hope you come visit sometime because it seems like we have some similar views on things and that's really refreshing to me. :)
Very inspiring Criss. xxx
Damn, girl. You brought me to tears first thing in the morning. I think I want you to win SiaB more than I've ever wanted anyone to win. Or at least get a real platform out of it, like Georgina did. I'm so happy she's been linking to you!
You hit the nail on the head with this post! Attractiveness and health don't necessarily have a 1:1 correspondence. I actually weighed 155-160 lbs throughout high school. So I didn't "need" to lose weight- I was just on the slightly-upper-end of a normal weight range. Going to an all-girls' school where the majority of girls were very, very thin didn't help, though. I hated myself.
The thing was... I *still* hated myself at 112, and that weight was so low for me that it caused even more health problems than being slightly above average.
The real problem was that at both weights I couldn't go up a flight of stairs without losing my breath; I couldn't lift over 10 pounds; I couldn't walk a mile without plodding along sloooooowwwllyy. What I hadn't realized is that there is a difference between eating well and working out to *look* good, and eating well and working out to *feel* good. I was endlessly concerned with the former and not the latter, which ultimately led to an endless cycle of guilt, depression, and defeatist thinking.
Then my nutritionist recommended weight training after I'd been told to stay away from vigorous cardio until I started eating enough to fuel my body for it. I was skeptical because I'd always been pretty weak, and I also made the (common but incorrect) assumption that weights make women bulky. I started doing the weight machines, though, and suddenly instead of "Think of the calories burned!" going through my head, it was "Think of how strong you're getting!" It was a great moment :-).
From experience I can tell you that, oddly enough, when someone's weight gets too low for their frame/height, often you can't tell by "What his/her body looks like." Most outward signs- brittle hair, duller eyes, drier skin- are things people *don't* usually look for. They go for things like protruding collarbones or hipbones, which, actually, many healthy people can have to some extent. Thus they perpetuate a myth that truly healthy people have to look a certain way. From quite a bit of personal research, it seems to be the same way for weight in the opposite direction. Sure, there will always be extremes, like with a friend of mine who was actually hospitalized for anorexia or one of my family members whose weight affects her ability to walk... but I can tell you now: people who are at those extremes know it already; being harsh and judgmental does not help them in any way, shape or form. The problem comes when the general public think that they can tell how healthy a person who is not at one of these extremes is just by looking at them and then deem them "unattractive" if they do not "look healthy." It's a ridiculous cycle that needs to end.
By the way, the two people I mentioned whose weights are low/high enough that people can tell they're unhealthy? They are still two of the most beautiful people I know.
I loved reading this; it made so much sense. You got one of my three votes for SiaB! I entered the UK one but sadly didn't get through. Good luck :) Xx
America has only become fatter and unhealthier since I wrote this book and will continue along the same tragic path until people wake up to the kind of truth about their corrupt government and health care system that I document in this book.
I'm tired of seeing posts in Pinterest with quotes like "nothing taste as skinny feels" and alike... They can hurt a lot if you aren't strong enough.
Avoid lions if they flatten their ears and crouch low. Have you ever seen a dog or a cat getting ready to pounce on a toy, a hand or a smaller animal? They lower their bodies, their tails start swaying faster and their ears go back. Likewise, if the lion's ears flatten, he or she crouches low and its tail starts speeding up. This means you're in a bad place. Thanks a lot.
Regards,
how to gain body weight
Thank you for this blog. That’s all I can say. You most definitely have made this blog into something that’s eyes opening and important. You clearly know so much about the subject, you’ve covered so many bases. Great stuff from this part of the internet. iUniverse
Eat a balanced diet. You have heard this over and over and it seems simple enough, but surprisingly, a large number of people do not eat healthy meals. Lots of fruits and vegetables are important in maintaining a balanced diet. You also need protein and calcium to keep up strong bones and muscles. The rule of thumb is that if you prepare a meal and it’s only one or two colors (say, yellow,) you need to add some variety to your food. Thanks for sharing information.
hcg1234
Love this, thank you so much :)
The only thing is I don't see how I can love my body when it's suddenly covered in stretch marks - arms, sides, thighs, bum, chest :(, do you have any tips?
Many people with type two diabetes suffer from a weight problem. Doctors advise that they lose weight as a step in treating their diabetes. Changing diet and losing weight may be difficult for those with this disease. Keeping simple rules and ideas in mind may make it easier. Thanks.
Your blog is an interesting read!
It definitely is hard to try and change your lifestyle to a healthier one, but I am sure you will feel good about yourself in the future! Don't ever give up halfway.
Check out http://www.hamiltondietetics.com to aid you in your weight loss journey. You might just find something useful to motivate you on your journey!
Cheers
I used to follow you on Tumblr, and for a few months had a weight-loss Tumblr of my own, but I couldn't cope with the constant streams of harsh judgements, negativity and conflict. For what was supposed to be a supportive community, I was left with a really bad taste in my mouth after a while and left. I'm glad to see you're still doing well and have found a way to continue helping people in another forum. I love this new blog!
It takes a lot of courage and self discipline to be successful in losing weight. There are many things to do, many things to avoid and many things to consider. I think you have a great inspiration that help you get motivated all the time.
It was a very motivational post I must say. The first time when I saw the picture, I thought it must be a work of photoshop. But now I think, with hard work, a fit, fat free body can be achieved.
You seem like a very sensible person. Many people use "beauty come in all sizes" as an excuse to be unhealthy, and are often hypocritically very scathing about naturally skinny people. Something I'm prone to saying is "beauty comes in all sizes, but so does laziness".
Wow!! What a great achievement! You did a great job... you inspired me. So, I'm thinking to start a weight loss Toronto program, because I had enough of my extra pounds and I want to have a great body as you have now! I'm sure that with hard work I will achieve my goal and hopefully I will... I really want to!
I honestly think you look gorgeous at both weights.Though I personally think after you lost weight you are more beautiful in a way..it's just that *more* beautiful,and partly cause of my own preference.I also think you were beautiful in a different way when you weighed more,I see the beauty in both.I'm not sure if that is sounding like I want it to sound.lol
I just have one question are you not cursed with marks its so hard to give myself motivation if skin is wrecked
What an amazing transformation, good job! =]
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