Wednesday, May 15, 2013

It's Not Your Body.


This post is part of a blog series on personal perspective of modesty regarding breasts, bras, and body image. Check back for cross-links of the other blog posts as they're posted!


All of my life, I've had larger breasts. I was somewhat of an early bloomer, and I was the classic case of the little girl unknowingly walking around with a woman's body while wearing little girl clothes dancing to Britney Spears in my backyard. I have pretty clear memories of my classmates teasing me for having "D" breasts in the seventh grade, and I remember the crude comments I had to deal with in high school when my clothing unintentionally hinted at hips or breasts. Despite being a socially awkward, shy, bookish youth, I received unsolicited attention from men and catty remarks from women of all ages. In my naivety, I often made the mistake of wearing a tank tops or V-neck tops, completely oblivious or struggling to understand. Other girls my age and even older were wearing tank tops and shorts in the heat of the summer, but if I wore anything like that, I was called a slew of negative comments ranging from slut, whore, immoral, to fat. It left me feeling confused and ashamed of my body.

As I grew older, I grew more comfortable in my individuality and my body. With my weight loss progress pictures going viral, I grew especially comfortable with people seeing my body. In my eyes, I didn't see myself sexually; it was just a body, after all. I was more comfortable in my skin and I was proud of my fitness and weight loss progress, and I figured people who saw my pictures would be inspired by the fact that I had succeeded at reaching my goals. Again, in my naivety, I had assumed people would see my body as I did: merely a body. 

As more and more websites started linking my pictures, I was seeing more and more comments attacking me for being an attention-seeking whore of a female or men making terribly inappropriate sexual suggestions. When I did Star in a Bra last year, despite attempting to solicit votes from a primarily female audience and making my platform focused on a healthier body image, I was once again met with negativity and assumptions that I was showing my body off for male validation. Just like when I was a teenager, it left me feeling somehow confused and ashamed again.

Those experiences awoke a rage deep within me, and gave birth to the educated feminist I've become today. People made me feel ashamed for my body; something natural, and something I can't help. Because our society has over-sexualized women's breasts, I am being penalized and objectified. Because our society still holds onto archaic, patriarchal ideals, women are somehow still expected to be chaste, pure, and modest. When women are sexually harassed, society blames them for not covering up their bodies and provoking them. Choosing to cover yourself is one thing (and there's nothing wrong with it!), but the concept that a woman's self-worth is based on how pure, modest, and appealing she is to men is absurd. You are not your body. Your body does not represent your self-worth.

I should not have to cover up my body because what I do with it offends your delicate, narrow-minded existence. It's just not your body to make that choice. Bodies aren't not inherently sexual, and neither are breasts. I live with this body everyday: I see it undressed in the mirror, have to find clothes that somehow fit my waist and my bust, and have to order online just to find bras that fit me. It is just a body. It's natural. I could walk around naked and it still would not be sexual unless I wanted it to be. My body belongs to me; not to you, not to society, not to men, not to my family. It is mine and mine alone to decide when I want it to be sexual. Even if I wanted to be sexy, my body still is not yours, I am not a sexual object, and my sexuality is none of your concern. Maybe I want to cover up my body, and maybe I don't, but covering up should be my choice and not yours.

I'm happy with my body now, and I'm happy with the way I dress. I no longer have to waste time making sure my outfits aren't too sexy, show too much cleavage, or show too much leg, just in case my body unintentionally offends someone. Sometimes I cover up, and sometimes I don't. I'm not ashamed of my body anymore. Don't like it? Good. The more confident women out there who aren't afraid or ashamed of their bodies because of societal expectations, the bigger splash we can make. And maybe one day, we can live in a world where a woman can breastfeed in public or go bare-chested like men at beaches without being judged. 


Friday, July 6, 2012

My Star in a Bra Adventure

Oh man! This post is very much overdue, but with the excitement of getting votes on top of excess hours at work, I haven't found the time or energy to muster up another blog post. This year's- and very first US competition, I might add- Star in a Bra is finally concluded, and we have a winner!


And the winner is the gorgeous Krista Cousins, whose blog is Girl Wonder! I came in second place, with the lovely Brittany Jencks of Thin and Curvy in third. A major thank you to everyone who voted for me, encouraged me, and made me feel validated with messages of love and support. I might not have won, but this entire experience was one of a lifetime, and I feel privileged to have experienced it. Never in my wildest dreams, when looking through past Star in a Bra competitions, had I thought I could have the courage to enter this contest and see it through. I've gained a lot of perspective and body confidence, as well as friends. 

But let's backtrack a bit and talk about the competition and my New York trip, because after all those votes, I think I owe you all a chance to live vicariously though me, eh? :P

The view of my first flight!
Let me preface this with saying that I have never left the south, have never traveled alone, and have never flown on an airplane before. I was terrified out of my wits, and apprehensive about being stuck alone in a giant, foreign city. I half-expected my trip to be a miserable example of why I should just settle for complacency, although that's my tendency to get pessimistic when I lack control of things. As it turns out, airplanes are quite fun and I'm terribly addicted. On one plane ride, I even got to make friends with two ladies, and exchanged facebook links with them! How's that for promoting?


Inseparable!
When I got to the airport in New York, I had Brittany Jencks kindly waiting for me because neither of us wanted to go anywhere in that city alone. We awkwardly got into a taxi and sat in silence, both of us nervous and uncomfortable with the strange environment and people surrounding us. We quickly warmed up, though, and by the time we found our hotel room and made our way to dinner, we felt as though we had known each other all of our lives. We found our conversations being interrupted with "me too!," and that we were finishing each others sentences with ease. I don't usually bond that quickly or easily with people, so it was so exciting to find someone who mirrored my thoughts, experiences, and emotions so well.

Posing with the delightful Laura!
The next day, I woke up early so Brittany would have a companion at the photoshoot, and so neither of us would have to hail a taxi alone, of course. Once we arrived, we were greeted immediately by Laura and Hannah, both of whom were friendly and easygoing. They whisked us away to the hair and makeup chairs, Brittany and I nervously making eye contact in the mirror and stifling giggles, while they made us over. Afterward, Laura fitted me in various sizes and bras until we were satisfied with my Curvy Kate size. I tend to be a 28G in a lot of molded bras in other brands, but in Curvy Kate I was fitted a 28FF. I did have issues with their bras not suiting the shape of my breasts, and much to Laura's chagrin, my breasts kept sliding to the center every time I moved. Part of that has to do with my breasts being more close-set, but also because my breast tissue is slightly soft after weight loss, making my breasts want to always plunge to the center. 


After being fitted, I was quickly rushed away yet again, but to the photoshoot set this time. I suddenly became very nervous, feeling inferior to the other beautiful girls with their curves and seemingly natural poise. I knew going into this that I was the smallest of all the busts, and while it wasn't a beauty contest, the insecurity of that knowledge put a falter in my step and a furrow in my brow. Anxious thoughts plaguing my mind, I was initially stiff and forced, which showed in the pictures. Laura showed me how to pose and gave me better tips on moving, and by the second set of underwear, I was feeling infinitely more confident in front of the camera. With a tilt of my head and my hips, a full smile, and a hand here or there, I quickly learned how to laugh and move easily. By the end of it, I felt like an actual model! I felt curvy, feminine, and fierce. How did I ever doubt I could do it?

As the other girls got finished their photoshoots, I got to mingle with all of the people at the photoshoot- which was surprisingly a lot, actually. I met some awesome representatives from Bare Necessities, and the experience of talking with them actually left a lasting impression on me; thanks to them, I am now seriously considering pursuing marketing/PR as a career! I sat and talked with Brittany, played hand-clapping games with the other girls, and snuck around the set with the Queen mask, scaring the bejeebus out of everyone I saw. Oh, and food; I can't forget the food! What photoshoot in existence actually has cookies for the models to eat? It helped strengthen my excitement at the prospect of representing a company who believed in a life of living, not restriction for beauty.

Shortly after playing hand-clapping games!




Laura "fitting" us.

Um, cookies at a photoshoot? Yes, please.



Watching Sassy Gay Friend
After the photoshoot, Brittany and I later on met up with Katie, Danielle, and Tiffany to walk to a pizza place for dinner. Although it started pouring and we only had a single umbrella between the five of us on a 20 minute walk, this night was the highlight of my trip. I immediately bonded with all of the girls, and was easily myself. We talked about everything under the sun, and we were all in support of one another in this competition, despite, well, being each other's competition. It was comforting to be surrounded by such body-positive, enthusiastic women who supported the important message behind this entire competition and campaign. After dinner, and a very brisk walk full of skipping and belting out Don't Stop Believing, we made it back to the hotel in time to snag some dessert. Grabbing ALL OF THE ICE CREAM, we changed into our pajamas and congregated in my and Katie's hotel room, with an additional Jackie. Downing the ice cream, we all watched Sassy Gay Friend on youtube, giggling and talking about vacuous, girly things, such as, y'know, feminism and literature. Brittany didn't want to go, so it ended up feeling like a half-sleepover, minus the pillow fighting.

The next morning, I was crushed because I had to leave it- and everyone- behind. We said our goodbyes, did a thank you video for Curvy Kate, and went our separate ways. We've since stayed in touch on facebook, and there's even talking of meeting up again in the future! I know for a fact Brittany and I will be meeting up again- possibly many times. Who knew I'd make such strong friendships?

If you're thinking of entering the competition next year, please do yourself a service and do it. Don't hesitate. Every single one of us had her own insecurities, doubts, and body scruples, but doing this has helped us realize it's all in our heads. We're beautiful, and somehow, walking in a crowded room in nothing but underwear and heels helped us realize that. More, though, is the message of this competition. If you feel as though you're too unconventional- be it height, weight, body shape, or even age!- or underrepresented in the modeling industry, you owe it not just to yourself to enter, but to all the other women out there who are feeling like you. There is no beauty standard here, and companies like Curvy Kate need YOU to prove that a bra size, pants size, scale number, or waist measurement do not define your self-worth or the standards of beauty. And if you need no other reason to enter, do it because you will find out just how much support your friends and family have for you, and for the friends you will make.

My top ten ladies, minus four other beauties scheduled for the next day!

Will I enter next year? Probably not. Although Curvy Kate won't use the second and third place girls as models, I think I'm pretty satisfied. I know Krista will do a wonderful job representing us, and I gained enough out of this experience to feel content with how things turned out. But.. you never know! Maybe I will. :)

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The Guide: How Criss Lost Weight

This guide has been two years in the making. Two years' experience of trial and error, sorting through what's fact and fad, battling with body dysmorphia, and coping with my abrupt and dramatic change in lifestyle. Despite all of this experience, though, I still don't feel like an expert on weight loss, health, or nutrition. I'm not a doctor, and I have not personally conducted any scientific studies. With that said, all information posted here has been carefully researched and double-checked to ensure it's factual, up-to-date, and proven by the people who are doctors and scientists. You will find no misconceptions or fad diet posts here.

Another important thing to note is my perspective on weight loss and health, and my belief that they are two completely separate things. I believe BMI is a load of cock, that one's weight isn't always indicative of one's health, and that even if someone's health is poor due to their weight, it's still not my or your place to criticize them or their personal life choices. I do not believe in body-shaming of any size or shape.

With that said, I do like to put my personal weight loss story out there in a non-obtrusive, guilt-inducing way, for those who do want to lose weight in a healthy manner. With all of the misinformation out there, I think it's a positive thing to want to show people that weight loss doesn't mean being miserable, depriving themselves of food, exercising until they puke, taking pills or supplements, or hating their bodies. For many people- myself included- a healthier lifestyle seems too complicated and confusing. I personally grew up a completely sedentary, nerdy child, who subsisted primarily on fast food, ramen noodles, and microwaveable food. I didn't eat vegetables and didn't even understand the concept of a calorie. I was feeling the unhealthy side effects of all the junk I was putting into my body, but when I thought about change, it seemed too overwhelming because of all the contradicting information out there. I didn't know how or where to start, because it was a lifetime of bad habits I had to break.

This guide is for all of the people out there who feel like I did.
Did you know studies show somewhere between 80-95% of people who lose weight gain most or all of their weight back within two years? Why do so many people struggle to lose weight, and then when they finally succeed, struggle to maintain? I can tell you the answer to this from personal experience: it all depends on whether or not you see your weight loss as a diet, or a result of a lifestyle change and healthier habits.

Years and years ago, I used to daydream about losing weight, and would paint this picture of weight loss in my head: I would suffer by eating less, eating bland food, and by sweating my butt off at the gym to "punish" myself for being fat. I would somehow magically wake up skinny overnight, and then I could resume my old bad habits and go back to "living" again. I imagine many others have the same idea of dieting, and as a result, this is why so many people fail before they ever start, or gain it all back after losing it.

The most important thing about weight loss, and the key to your success, is how you see it. Losing weight successfully means you can't ever go back to "normal." You have to change up what normal means to your mind. Most people who fail at weight loss do so because they saw their weight loss as a result of a diet. Diet is a very bad word in my mind, and has a negative connotation for me. I've since learned that diets do not work; lifestyles do. And there's a reason I stress calling it a lifestyle change and not a diets. Diets just aren't maintainable. We're human. Even now, after one year of weight loss, and then another full year of maintenance, my food quality ranges from healthy and wholesome to, "Ooh, is that CAKE?" Remember this: too much restriction can be just as bad as too little moderation. The best "diet" is the one that is balanced and maintainable for YOU. If that means cake twice a week, then have your cake!


Despite the complicated fad diets and fitness magazines claiming otherwise, studies show that weight loss occurs when you consume fewer calories than you burn. Not what kinds of calories, or when the calories were consumed. Just calories. Calories in; calories out. "Wait, what does that even mean?,"  you frantically ask. "How do you know how many calories you burn? How many calories should I be eating? Criss, this is so complicated!" No, calm down, and I'll explain.

You burn calories in everything you do. Talking, smiling, eating, pooping, sleeping. You burn calories simply by existing! To find out how many calories you burn a day simply by existing, you need to find out your BMR- your Basal Metabolic Rate. This isn't how many calories you need to eat a day to either maintain OR lose weight; this is simply the base number of calories you'd need to stay alive lying in a bed all day in a coma. Click here to find out your BMR!

Cool! Now you know your BMR. That's only step one. Let's next determine how many calories you need to maintain your current weight where it's at. Go to this link to find out your maintenance weight! (And bring out your handy calculator.) At 5'3, 25 years old, and 132 pounds, my BMR is 1407. I'd consider myself lightly active, overall, so according to the chart, I'll multiply my BMR base number by 1.375. I get 1935. That's how many calories a day I need to maintain 132 pounds. Need help finding yours? Post in a comment and I'll try my best to help you.

Okay, and now the reason you're here: to find out how many calories a day you need to lose weight. This one is easy: If you want to lose weight, subtract 500 from that maintainable number (not the BMR, but the bigger of your two numbers). That's IT. That's your number. If you go below it, don't go below 100-200, and not every single day. For example, at my current weight of 132 (as of writing this post), my maintenance level is 1935. If I want to lose more weight with my current activity level, subtracting 500 from 1935 yields 1435. 

Things to keep in mind about BMR:
Your BMR changes often, based on your age, current weight, and most importantly, your activity level. It needs to be adjusted often. I didn't eat nearly as few calories when I first started my weight loss journey, and then there are some times where I am literally playing World of Warcraft all day long (don't judge me!), so I'll eat fewer calories because I am sedentary. I go through phases where I am really, really active, or really, really not active. You have to be the one to judge your own activity level, because only you know what you are doing all day. Please also remember that being active can also mean on your feet all day at work, taking care of children and housekeeping, and even shopping! The lowest level (sedentary) means basically lying in bed or sitting down almost literally your entire day, everyday. 

One important note: don't try to calculate your calories burned through machines. Those machines grossly over-calculate your burned numbers. If you feel like you are really, really active, then add another 100-200 to it or reassess your maintenance weight by going up a notch in activity levels. At my current weight, I generally stick with 1200 on nonactive days and 1400-1500 on active days, and don't bother trying to figure out an exact number burned. It's really hard to know how much you burned, since so many factors go into how many calories you burn doing every little thing. Don't over-think it!

Be careful, too, with how low you dip your calorie deficit. You might grow impatient and want to speed things up by decreasing your calorie intake, but it's actually counterproductive and can hinder your results. Besides that, it makes you weak and tired, and your body won't have the nutrients it needs to sustain itself. You might be losing pounds on the scale, but when you starve yourself, your body feasts on muscle too.  If you have a lot of weight to lose, losing weight too quickly can also result in more loose skin that you'd have if you had paced yourself better. Remember that there's no finish line in this; it's a journey to a healthier lifestyle on which you've embarked. 

Don't fret too much over excess calories. One pound of body weight equals 3500 calories, so eating an extra 500 calories per day will result in one pound gained in a week. One pound. So when you inevitably eat something you think you shouldn't, and gain water weight on the scale the next day, don't freak out. Unless in one day, you managed to consume 3500 excess calories, you did not gain as much weight as you think.


Let's talk about food specifics. If you're like me, you're used to eating convenient, processed junk food. Fast food, packaged food, frozen food, and sodas, aw yeah. Wait, no! That's terrible for you, and it's not even because it's probably high-calorie; it's because it's full of chemicals, sodium, and unnatural ingredients that hate your body. Lots of these things are even pointed at as causes of cancer, including sugar-free, "low fat" products aimed at the dieters. Yes, that's right: those "alternatives" to your favorite meals are actually just as bad or worse as the real thing.

One thing to realize about being healthy is that calories are not the most important thing here. Yes, eating too few or too many calories can cause weight loss and weight gain, but that should not be your primary focus. If you actually just swapped your regular eating habits for eating whole foods instead of packaged junk, you'd actually lose weight without ever having to track a calorie. In fact, a lot of people prefer to not ever count calories, because it can incur dangerous, obsessive thoughts. Yes, if you ate nothing but McDonald's everyday, but stayed 500 calories below maintenance, you'd still lose weight. You won't be getting the nutrients you need, though, and you'd be putting a lot of sodium and chemicals in your body. You'd probably be hungry still, since their foods are so calorie-dense for such a small quantity of food, which means you'd be more inclined to over-eat. You'd probably be tired and not feeling at perfect health, and your digestive system might hate you for it.

Well, cool, but that doesn't help you, right? What sorts of things should you eat, then? Preferably anything that isn't frozen or that comes in a package with a long list of ingredients! As they say, if the list of ingredients is longer than 10, it's not "real" food. Veggies, fruit, meats, fish, and nuts are generally what I eat. If you like to cook, you can really experiment with things! Personally, I still don't cook a lot, but I've learned a few things along the way, like how to make a healthier pizza or grilled cheese sandwiches.

"But what about macro-nutrients?," you'll ask. "I was told if I eat over 50 carbs, I'll never lose a pound!" Contrary to popular belief and bro-science, eating a certain amount of any macro-nutrient doesn't yield more or less weight loss, according to reputable studies. That doesn't mean eating a certain amount of carbs is silly, but it does mean that low carb won't affect your weight loss. I personally try to reduce my amount of carbs to mostly natural carbs like the kind you find in fruit and vegetables, simply because they make me hold more water weight. It doesn't make me lose more weight, but it helps me with my bloat problem. As long as you're primarily sticking with whole foods, there's not really a right or wrong answer to this. Just try not to get too extreme with things!

As for when to eat, it's been proven that your metabolism doesn't actually speed up when you eat more often or what time you eat, which is a common misconception. Eat when you're hungry, and if eating small meals often helps you not over-eat, then that's what you should do!
I'd recommend not weighing yourself daily, because like calorie counting, it can incur obsessive and dangerous thoughts. It can be especially destructive when you aren't realistic about the number you see, because so many things can affect it. The number on the scale is never a true representation of your body weight and body fat percentage. How recently you've pooped, how much sodium you've consumed the last few days, how much water you've consumed, how dehydrated you are, how much you've exercised, if you're PMSing, etc; all of these things can affect your scale number.

Speaking of water weight, it's a tricky, fickle thing, and I hate it. Ever drastically change your eating habits and find that you're losing A LOT of weight immediately, and then it slows down to a normal pace? That's water weight. Your body is usually holding onto a lot of it, which can really affect your scale number and even your tummy measurements. If I eat something that's really high in sodium, for example, I can "gain" as many as five pounds and two inches in my waist overnight. Fortunately, as you might recall, you have to eat 3500 EXTRA calories to put on a single pound. You might think it's due to your wonky metabolism causing you to gain five pounds overnight because you had that chocolate cake and those salty potato chips, but really, it's just bloat. Drink extra water and exercise, and bam, your weight magically goes back to the number you expect.

You can really help reduce your water weight by drinking more water, primarily! It seems silly, but if you're dehydrated, your body actually holds onto the water. The more water you drink, the less water weight you'll hold. It's also good for weight loss, because it can help flush out toxins and aid your digestive system, both of which affect your scale number.

Another reason why putting so much stock into your scale number is because if you're exercising, chances are you are gaining muscle as well. Granted, if you're a female, chances are you aren't actually putting on as muscle as you think that quickly unless you're eating well over what you're eating to lose weight. But strength training can cause your muscles to retain fluid as well, so while it might seem like you're gaining 3-10 pounds in two weeks after starting weightlifting, yet your measurements aren't showing it, it's because your muscles are retaining water to repair themselves. It's normal and expected, since it's part of the muscle-building process! That's good.

If you need something to gauge your progress, take measurements and judge by how your clothes fit you. You might be surprised at how they contradict your scale number!

When it comes to weight loss, there is nothing more upsetting to me than the wealth of misinformation that makes people believe they need to consume some sort of weight loss "aid" or supplement in order to successfully lose weight. A lot of the products are unhealthy and full of dangerous chemicals that can harm your body, and many of them in the past have caused lawsuits because they did turn out to harm people. Even with that knowledge, people still risk their health and take these pills and drinks because they are overwhelmed by weight loss and just want the magical solution without changing their habits. 

Maybe taking the drinks will increase their metabolism and cause them to lose weight while eating pizza. Let's just say that your best-friend-for-like-ever, Kaywinnit, just lost 60 pounds while drinking Pluxus Slim, but never changing her eating habits. Yay, Kaywinnit! Kaylee reached a weight she finds good and healthy, so she stops buying and paying for that extremely expensive drink that caused her to lose weight, and continues eating the same way she's always eaten. Months later, she's realized that she's put all of her weight back on! Why's that? Because Kaylee was never taught anything about her body or her health, and never looked at her eating habits. It was never about changing lifestyles or being healthier for her. Worse is that Kaylee probably feels worse afterward, and thinks that she's doomed to never lose weight.

Fad diets too can be unhealthy. What's worse is that you'll look at magazines or infommercial s, claiming you'll lose inches off your belly if you only eat whatever they're trying to sell. All that does is perpetuate the wealth of misconceptions and poor information out there, and make people feel more overwhelmed when they try to sort through what is true and false. 


Another problem with popular and perpetuated ideas of weight loss is that exercise on its own can make you lose weight. Unless you're running multiple miles per day or a training athlete, a nonathletic person's exercise isn't enough to negate excess amount of calories derived from poor eating habits. As they say, abs are made in the kitchen; not in the gym. That doesn't mean exercise isn't helpful in weight loss, because it can certainly aid your weight loss! It can burn calories, increase your metabolism, make your body run better and increase your overall health, and help you gain muscle you might lose from eating at a calorie deficit. But it's not totally necessary, either, and there's no need to get extremist about it unless you just really, really love exercise. I actually didn't really get into fitness until I had lost most of my weight, and I wouldn't call myself fit by any means. I lift weight three times a week for about 25-40 minutes a session, and sometimes play Dance Dance Revolution/In the Groove because it's fun and because it's the only cardio I can stand. That doesn't sound too extreme, does it? There's just this big misconception that you need to exercise in order to lose weight, and you have to be extremely obsessed with it. You don't have to go that often or that long!

One thing to keep in mind about exercise is the idea that you can spot reduce areas you don't like by exercising certain areas, which is very false! Where you gain or lose fat is totally dependent on your genetics, and exercising certain areas or eating certain things won't change that. However, let's say that you've got flabby thighs you want to be sturdier (which was my problem). You can't "replace" fat with muscle (they are two different things), but you can gain muscle underneath to make it look firmer, which the definition of what most people think "toned" means. That also debunks yet another myth that lifting weights when you're trying to lose weight results in you looking "fatter." Nope!

I won't tell you what exercise you should do because everyone's goals are different. Some people just want to get their bodies more active; some want to get super fit. You have to find something that suits your needs, interests, and lifestyle. With that said, if you're looking into weightlifting, I did write a guide aimed at women interested in weightlifting, simply because there are just so many misconceptions regarding women, muscle, and weightlifting.


What people don't tend to tell you about weight loss would be the emotional side effects of your body undergoing a transformation, or how to cope with all of the reactions of the people around you. It's tough, because you're going to have people from your closest friends to your co-workers coming up to you, and giving you unsolicited opinions on your body. Some will tell you that you don't need to lose weight, or that you're looking too thin. When you encounter people who tell you these things, try to be firm about letting them know it's your life and not their place to criticize. Only you know your body and your eating habits. 

Some might also indirectly insult you by making you think you are better after your weight loss, but remember this: your self-worth isn't determined by your weight or your measurements. You are the same person before and after, and anyone who makes you think you are more or less because of your body shape or size needs to be removed from your life. Even after you lose weight, your weight will fluctuate the rest of your life, so basing your self-worth on something as flexible and fickle as your weight is dangerous thinking.

Sometimes it's also hard to also cope with not seeing your progress because your mind takes a while to catch up with your body. It's hard, too, when you see your progress, but you get so intent on chasing perfection that you want to speed up the process. These things are dangerous thoughts to have, and I recommend joining support communities to help deal with them.


•Start learning to love your body now. If you can’t see anything good about yourself, weight loss will not make you feel better. Instead, as you get closer to your goal, you’ll get depressed you still aren’t “perfect.” You can love yourself while seeking self-improvement.

• If you are losing more than 2 pounds a week, with the exception of water weight initially, then you are losing lean muscle. Muscles that keep your body alive. The only exception is when you first change your eating habits, you might lose a larger amount due to water weight.

• Don’t reward successful weight loss with unhealthy, processed food. What you’re doing is creating a bad relationship with food, and you are confusing your brain. Isn’t it counterproductive to gain weight due to excess unhealthy foods, to cut out unhealthy foods in order to lose weight, and then when you lose weight reward yourself with the very thing that restricted your progress in the past? This is my biggest tip: when you tell yourself “NO CHOCOLATE, IT’S BAD FOR ME,” you want it more. You put it on a pedestal, and you think about it more and more. And when you finally cave in, you’ll binge. That’s why I don’t restrict in my diet; I moderate. I want a soft taco supreme from Taco Bell? Okay, I can have it. I’ll look up the calories online to calculate into my daily calories, and if what I eat is more than I normally eat, no big deal; it's just a single day. If I’m going out with friends, I’ll fill up on something healthy like broccoli before going so I won’t overeat at the restaurant. If I’m eating something at home, I’ll eat it with a side of something healthy so again, I won’t overeat.

• If you're tracking calories, use calorie counting tracking sites! The Daily Plate is my favorite site to track.

• MEASURE YOUR FOOD. I can’t emphasize this enough! You may think that spoonful of peanut butter is one tablespoon, but it’s twice as high as the spoon and spilling over all the sides. You think you’re eating a certain amount of calories, except you’re over-estimating your portions. Get a food scale and some measuring cups. It’ll be the best weight loss decision you’ve ever made, I promise!

• Take LOTS of pictures during your journey! If you are less motivated when you look at them, then take them and put them away in a folder on your computer. Wait until you’ve lost some weight and THEN go back and look. There were times when I didn’t feel like I had made much progress at all and wanted to quit, but when I would go back to my older pictures, I would see how much progress I had actually made. You might surprise yourself!

• Find ways to be held accountable. If that means writing down things in a personal little diary nobody else sees, go for it! If that means tracking your activity on Fitocracy, starting an anonymous weight loss tumblr to track food, making a bulletin board and putting stickers on it for everyday you were active, or to even publicly talk about every success and trial on your personal facebook, go for it! Know what makes you tick and what will help you stick to it better.

• Find a partner! Losing weight was a lot easier when I had friends to do it with. Don’t have friends in person who will talk weight stuff with you? Find people online! There are loads of communities out there.

• Food is not the enemy. Repeat with me: food is not the enemy. Food is not bad. Eating food does not make you fat. Food is fuel. Fuel gives you the energy to get through the day, and to work-out. Working out is nice. Therefore, food is nice.

• Got off track for a day? Did it start with a single donut and end with a whole box of pizza? That’s okay! Hey, guess what? You’re human, and so am I. Nobody can be expected to be perfect everyday. It’s okay to indulge your cravings sometimes! Enjoy the hell out of that pizza and don’t let the taste of guilt make it not worth it. Start over tomorrow and don’t let it weigh you down.

• Exercise is not a punishment for eating bad or for being "fat." Exercise is about being healthy and rewarding your body with healthy activities. If you are miserable with your current exercise, find something that doesn't make you miserable!

• Try to be realistic about your expectations of your body. Even when you reach your "goal," you still aren't going to be perfect, because nobody is. Be happy with your body, regardless of its natural shape, fat you think shouldn't be there, stretch marks, and even loose skin. We're human.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Weight Loss and Positive Body Image: Not a Contradiction

As some of you already know about me- and for the few who don't know this about me- I lost a lot of weight a couple of years ago. More relevant, though, was that I had a very active weight loss tumblr where I talked about my weight loss and fitness endeavors and helped people understand how to healthily lose weight. While my primary focus in blogging has shifted from weight loss to fashion and positive body image, I won't ever delete that blog or cease helping people learn how to lose weight or get into fitness. 

My before/after picture that is circulating the internet.
When I first started up my weight loss tumblr, it was because I wanted to share my knowledge and give back to the community. I also feel very validated in helping people feel good about themselves, so naturally, the blog was a good way to accomplish feeling like a helpful human being. It was probably less than half a year ago, though, when I realized the weight loss and fitness community could be a really negative and hurtful thing. I noticed people putting down their bodies as means of motivation, or beating themselves up for "slipping up" and living a little. And to be honest, those posts influenced me negatively too, and indirectly made me see myself a little differently. I tried to offset the negativity by posting more body-positive things mixed in with my normal weight loss and fitness posts. I tried to keep the tone of my posts very positive and enthusiastic, and never, ever posted anything that could make someone feel guilty for being any body size or shape. Still, despite my attempts, I could feel myself distancing myself from that niche because I knew I had a very unique perspective on weight loss and body image that made me an alien to both genres of blogging.

How can I believe the old adage of "all bodies are good bodies" while still being an advocate of healthy weight loss? Why, don't those two concepts contradict one another? The short answer is no, but the longer one is this: I believe one's size or shape isn't subjective to beauty, nor do they define your self-worth or identity. When I look at someone, I'm going to see them as a human being, not a society-induced label of fat first, person second. One of the most terrible things people would tell me when complimenting my weight loss progress was to tell me how beautiful I am now, implying or even sometimes outright saying that I was vile before. So what happens if I gain weight; do I become ugly again? I completely loathe the concept that my beauty and my self-worth should hinge on something as fickle and changeable as my weight. I'm the same person I was before, and truly, when I look in the mirror, I see the same face looking back at me. I am not a number or my size; I am a person.

I don't believe you need to be any size in order to be beautiful, but losing weight isn't always about vanity pounds and appealing to society norms. I think that beauty and health are unrelated concepts. I don't feel compelled to maintain my weight to be conventionally attractive, and I laugh when strangers assume I lost weight to be more popular with the boys (truth: I don't much like dating). I, however, do feel compelled to be concerned about my health, and I wasn't healthy before. Does weight define health? Absolutely not! I know many people who are technically overweight that lead healthier lifestyles than I do even now, and I know many naturally small people who are completely sedentary and eat almost exclusively fast food. I think it's your own call to decide what is healthy for you. Personally, I can feel the difference between different weights on me, and I feel like my current weight (128-136; and notice the fluctuation room!) is the most comfortable for my 5'2 frame. My body runs better, I sleep better, I have more energy, and I move easier. I also had a lot of health problems when I was larger, as well as multiple health problems made worse by excess weight and lifestyle that run in my family. This was a decision to make my life healthier, not necessarily to become more conventionally attractive.

A couple of days ago, I was talking to a childhood best friend with whom I haven't spoken in ages, explaining the Star in a Bra competition to her. Excitedly, I ask her if she had voted yet, to which she responded with, "Uh, no." Dejected, I hung my head and didn't respond. She then added, "Why are you even entering?" I explained about the body image mission I've been on, and was told, "Body love? How can you say that when you had to lose weight to love yourself?" I was crushed by her response, but it got me thinking. The truth is, at the time I started my weight loss journey, while I was primarily motivated by my health, I hated my body. I was disgusted by it, and it made me depressed. Even during my journey, while I was pleased with my progress, I still felt unhappy with the image of my body. It wasn't until I had reached my goal weight and realized I still wasn't happy with my weight that I had the body revelation that got me where I am today. I wasn't happy because I was chasing perfection, and while I'm still not completely content, I live a little easier with my recent weight gain because I know it's okay to not be perfect. I look back at my older pictures and no longer feel disgust, because I still see myself in them. It's sad that it took losing weight to see the beauty if myself at all sizes, but I don't think it was directly because of my weight loss. It wasn't my body that needed to change, after all, but my perspective, and perspective is usually gained through experience. I don't regret my journey because it's shaped who I am today.

While I won't have as big of a presence in the weight loss community, I will still be there to help promote healthy weight loss as well as body image. I strive to be there for all of the girls who are mentally and emotionally where I was two years ago, and to help them have the journey and revelation I had myself. All bodies are beautiful, but sometimes, it takes a little perspective to see the beauty in yourself.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Ten Reasons Why I Feel Like I've Already Won

It's been nearly a week since I was fortunate enough to have my name and pictures announced as a Top 30 semi-finalist in the US Star in a Bra competition, and truthfully, this last week has been an insightful and grand experience on its own. Between pestering every person I know to vote for me, and awkwardly, shyly asking co-workers and facebook friends to look at me in my underwear and vote, I've learned a lot about myself and how the world perceives beauty. Even if I don't make it to the final 10, I think I feel like I've won and gained a little something out of it! Here are ten reasons or thoughts on my experiences so far!



1. I've Battled My Social Anxiety, and I'm Winning!
I might seem bubbly and exuberant in my youtube videos, but truthfully, I am fairly introverted and shy in person. I probably spent a total of five hours just trying to make those videos, and those two were all I had to show for it! I get nervous meeting new people, and I struggle to be myself around almost everyone but my closest friends. I'm awkward, I stumble over my words, and I tend to trip over things often!  I'm also fairly modest and self-conscious of putting myself out there, and always have this fear of seeming to be too presumptuous and self-righteous, so going up to people and trying to find a tactful way to say, "Hey, go to facebook and vote for me to become a lingerie model," was very difficult. There were many times where I had to sit for a minute, calming myself, clearing my mind, taking a deep breath, before I had the courage to walk up to a co-worker and ask them about the competition. I even missed a few opportunities to ask some people because I was too anxious! But each time I did it, the better I got, until now I'm feeling much, much better. Now I feel fierce and confident, and so I feel like I've gained just the ability to be myself without fear of judgement. 

2. Nobody Understands Bra Sizes!
I mean, that's a given, right? With celebrities like Christina Hendricks claiming she's a 38DD and Jennifer Love Hewitt a 36C, it's clear our country really has no concept of back and cup sizes, and what is a proper fit. I knew that going into this competition, and it made me doubly more excited to enter, because it would give me a better chance to help educate people on boobs and bras. What I didn't expect was all of the backlash I received, even from my fellow friends and family, insisting I wasn't a D+ bra size! After my weight loss, I'm probably the most insecure about my breasts (I mean, hello, I had some giant knockers when I was bigger, and I was proud of them!), and so hearing women tell me how small I am is always upsetting, even when I know it's untrue. But those sorts of comments have only firmly planted the belief that, if I were to win, I could help people better understand that your cup size is not indicative of your actual breast size, and that well-fitting bras actually make your breasts look smaller since the poor things aren't smashed together, oozing out of the cups. Yes, the comments are hurtful, but I've realized they aren't (usually) personal, and instead represent the bra and boob ignorance most of our country has. Winning could help me change that! What better opportunity, right?

3. Curvy Isn't a Body Size!
Another fear about entering would be the inevitable "you aren't curvy enough!" comments I'd receive by being shorter and smaller, and while I haven't had any of those comments directly aimed at me (yet), I've seen a couple of comments and blogs say things about how "non-curvy" most of the women chosen for the Top 30 were. I feel like so many women have claimed curvy to describe body size that we've forgotten that curvy means literally what it sounds like: curves. From dictionary.com, the definition reads, "A continuously bending line, without angles." Look at most women, from the overweight, to the girl next door, to even Victoria's Secret models, and you're going to see continuously bending lines without angles. Some lines are bigger, some are smaller; some swoop out a lot more, and some are the same proportions just on a larger scale. Bigger curvy, larger curvy; does body size really matter? What women need to realize is that we're all different, and all have different body types. Curvy Kate is a celebration of the variety of sizes and natural curves, with a message that says all of us are beautiful and nobody can tell us otherwise. I think if I won this competition, I'd love to stress the importance of being more accepting of bodies- not just your own, but of other women's! It's counterproductive to participate in this positive body image competition celebrating natural beauty when you are still trying to tell other women how their bodies should be.

4. So Many Awesome People!
One of the other major reasons this competition has been great for me was the connection I've had with all of these women. I really enjoy the friendly, supportive atmosphere of all the other contestants, as well as the previous contestants and winners from the UK version! It's like this secret, mutual understanding we have with each other, because we all know we've all struggled with the same things, and while we all want to win, we all still think the best of the other girls. Personally, if I don't win, I still think the winner will be an amazing, beautiful choice, and I will support her sincerely! I don't feel entitled to win, and honestly, I don't think I deserve to win any more or less than the other girls. What we've done takes a lot of guts and courage, and every girl deserves a self-esteem boost and a chance to make a positive impact, right?

5. Bras, Bras, Bras.
They forgot to mention in the fine print of the contest: "This contest will make you feel more attractive and confident in your underwear, and as a result, you may feel the urge to spend a copious amount of money on pretty, well-fitting bras." Oops. Um, sorry, bank account!

6. I Have the Strength to Tell People They're Wrong!
Participating in this competition has really taught me to be stronger and have thicker skin. There have been some nasty things directed at me or others, and I've gained the ability to politely make my statement without ruffling feathers. I'm easily enraged at insensitive comments and nastiness, so this is really a good thing! I'm also learning to take all of the nasty things said with a grain of salt. As I said to a lovely woman on facebook yesterday, if I make it to the top 10, whatever awful things people have to say about me will be irrelevant because it took hundreds of people to get me that far, as opposed to the mere handful of nasty comments said about me. There are way more positive things than negative things! Just gotta keep reminding myself of that and carry on with myself.

7. Beauty Is Arbitrary.
Looking up at all the women chosen, I'm flabbergasted at how beautiful and yet different we all are. We come in a variety of body shapes and sizes, breast sizes, back sizes, ethnic backgrounds, hair colors, etc. You cannot define beauty! None of us fit into the long list of criteria of what being conventionally beautiful or sexy usually is, but that's what makes it so awesome- NOBODY can meet that list, because nobody is perfect! I like that we're all up there with our self-taken, non-digitally altered pictures, complete with our stretch marks, lower belly flab, dark eye circles, and everything, because those "flaws" are what makes us human. Winning this contest for me would be about proving to the world that it's okay to have flaws, and that we're beautiful no matter what! I want to start a body image revolution, guys; I want to redefine beautiful!

8. People Are Listening to Me!
This is the best part! Being so shy and insecure about my own body scruples, I've been holding myself back from having a larger voice. Participating has given me both the strength be confident and firm, as well as an audience of people eager for my words. I feel like this is my chance to really make a positive impact in this world! All of my life, I've sought opportunities to make other people feel better, to help them out in any way, because it makes my life feel more validated in return. This is my reason for living. Even if I don't win, I've already won because I'm on that path to making a positive difference in this world.

9. Boobs Are Not Inherently Sexual!
This has been the hardest thing for me. We live in a society where girls with larger breasts are considered inherently slutty simply because they have larger breasts, and where a picture of a girl in her underwear for a modeling contest is a plea for an attention and a desperate need of male validation. One friend, when asked to vote, said, "Oh my god, you're in your underwear! I can't look at this! I have a lady!" I was distraught, because that is not what this is about! But it's surprising how many people truly believe this contest is sexual in nature. I've gained the ability to stand up to people and say, "Boobs aren't sexual because you want them to be. I live with these everyday of my life, and they're a part of who I am." If I want them to be sexual, they will be, and even if they are, is there something so wrong with that? Let's celebrate being confident about our bodies and not be afraid to be judged simply because we possess breasts!

10. I Have Such Good Friends.
This has been the most emotionally moving thing about this contest for me! I never realized how many people care about and want to support me. The support from my friends, family, co-workers, and even fellow WoW players, has been astounding! They all understand why I want this, and are working their butts off to help their friends and family to vote as well. If I win this thing, it will be because I have a life filled with wonderful, amazing people. I am so grateful to know how many people care. And really, isn't that one of the best reasons to feel like I've already won?

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Don't Change Your Body; Change the Way You Think

It's no secret that I still struggle with my own body image. The past few months have been brutal on my self-esteem, as I struggled with learning to accept my body at this healthy weight instead of wanting more.  But after spending so long looking at each of my body parts as things in need of improvement, I found it hard to switch off that "fix it all; be PERFECT!" button in my head. If you asked me to make a list of the things I currently dislike about my body, you would be surprised to hear me mention everything from my ankles, to my large rib cage, to my facial bone structure- and all the bumps and flaws in between. When I look at myself in the mirror, or in most pictures, those glaring flaws stick out like a sore thumb and they overwhelm anything I do like about myself. But if I were to mention these things to others, most likely, they wouldn't exist to them, or they wouldn't be seen as a flaw. To them, these flaws are what make me me. Human.  Real.


Why is it that we can look at other women and recognize their beauty, but all we can see in ourselves is the bad? Why is it not utterly hypocritical of me to sincerely say "she is beautiful!" to any woman of any size, but to look into the mirror and feel dejected because I can't fit my mind's-eye of perfection? When I hear girls putting themselves down, I try to let them know all of the ways in which they are wonderful because it depresses me for them to not recognize their own beauty; yet, I cannot do the same for myself. And when I see women posting pictures of their weight loss progress, I congratulate them on setting a goal and reaching it, but am always the one to let them know that they're beautiful at both sizes, lest they base their self-worth on something as fickle as body size. Yet when I look at my own pictures, I'm overcome by shame and embarrassment. We hold these standards to ourselves, but not for anybody else. Why?


We, as a society, have all become driven on this quest for perfection. Sweet, elusive, impossible perfection. When did we become so obsessed with these unrealistic, unachievable ideals? Obviously, the media plays the biggest role in how we see ourselves. When we herald celebrities for their beauty, putting them high on pedestals, and then editing out any sort of flaws or blemishes that make them human- such as cellulite, stretch marks, uneven skin tone- is it any wonder that we look at ourselves, feeling dejected because we fall short? As Cindy Crawford said, "Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford." Not even the celebrities whose "perfect" bodies we so covet are real. We're aspiring to be something nobody can be. 

The reason why I was never truly happy after my weight loss was because I never loved myself before or during the process, and I somehow thought changing myself, undergoing that transformation, would magically solve everything I used to find wrong with my body. I realize now that there wasn't necessarily even anything wrong with my body initially; instead, it was my mind, my perspective, my warped sense of self-worth that needed to be transformed. Changing your body does you no good when your perspective is so poisonous. If you find faults with who you are now, you will find faults with yourself at any size. If you want to lose weight, do it because you want to make a healthier lifestyle change, not because there is something wrong with your body. Learn to love your body at any size or weight; not because or despite your size, but because it's you and that's why it's beautiful. It's your only vessel in life, and you should learn to appreciate it because it's the only you that exists!


*I don't take credit for the pictures used here; all are from Tumblr!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Who Defines Beauty?


Last week at work, when walking to the break room, I ran into a customer I haven't seen in over a year. "You've lost weight!" he exclaims. I nod and then he says, "But you've lost too much; now you've lost all of your curves." A few months ago, again at work, a fellow co-worker and I were discussing better employment opportunities. I mention being a beverage server at the higher class casino in our town, and he looks me up and down before saying, "They have appearance requirements. You're pretty enough, but you're sort of shaped like a boy." When the thousands of people relink my weight loss pictures all over the internet, over half of the comments made are not congratulating me for setting a personal and healthy goal and successfully reaching it, but instead making degrading, abrasive comments regarding my body and what it should be and mentioning how I look fake and anorexic. On a fashion forum once, there was a discussion about curvy body types and how to dress them. When I gave advice based on my own experience as a curvy girl, I was met with derisive laughter and being openly told one has to have curves to be curvy.  Does any of this sound familiar yet?

I'm sure we've all seen that picture circulating Facebook and other social media websites. You know which I mean, too. The top row had a few pictures of smaller women in bikinis and then another row of voluptuous pin-up girls, with text that read, "When did this... become hotter than this?" And inevitably, it was relinked all over the internet, with people heralding curvy women and shaming any other woman who didn't fit into this body type. When that picture was linked on Facebook, the comments were cruel and insulting, ranging from men making the absurd claim that anyone who is attracted to skinny women are pedophiles to hordes of women teaming up together in attacks on what a REAL woman is. Never mind the fact that we can't control where we gain or lose fat- and yes, as beautiful as curves are, they are technically fat- and that only 8% of women even have hourglass figures. What about the women who are naturally very skinny and have been teased for not being womanly their entire lives? What about my best friend, who looks at pictures of small-waisted, large-hipped women and suddenly feels down about her body because she looks like neither category of women represented in all of these arguments? Why does society feel compelled to attack all other body types in order to make another more accepted?

Real women this, real women thatWhat is a real woman, I ask you? I see that phrase thrown around so much, and I don't even think most women or even men know what they really mean. The definition even seems to change based on context. Is a woman more or less real because of something as arbitrary or uncontrollable as her body type? So if a woman lacks a generous bosom, does that somehow make her less of a woman? If she gets breast implants because society has told her she wasn't womanly enough, is she now somehow a fake woman? Oh, so it's the fake breasts that somehow make her less womanly. Well, on that note: do you use a bronzer or tanning lotion? Hair extensions? Make-up? Hair dye? Fake nails? Push-up bras? Even clothes can be considered as appearance enhancers! Who are we to judge other women for enhancing or changing their bodies when most of us do it too? 

Why is it unacceptable for society to imply anything over a certain weight is unattractive, but not unacceptable for us to say, "Shame on you, society, for imposing such high standards on women and making us insecure. We oppose your warped standards, and we think beauty is arbitrary and not defined by your laundry list of expectations." By putting down any other women for their appearance- whether natural or altered- you are essentially not just throwing stones back at the media, but at every other woman. In fact, you're doing exactly what the media has been doing to us. If you really want to make a difference, then oppose the media, and oppose any silly standards that claim you are only attractive if you fit certain criteria!- but not other women. In fact, most women feel most unattractive because of comments made and judgement passed by their own peers rather than the subliminal messages made by the media.  All women are real women, and all women are beautiful, whether we're your personal cup of tea or not. It might start with the media, but it ends with us
 

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